Dear Hopeful Cupids,
I have a little something to say on behalf of everyone’s single gay best friend:
I have no interest in being set up with the only other gay guy you know.
I love your intention that you would like to see me happy, but I already am. The only negative aspect I find in being single is when someone in a couple asks me about how my love life is going and then proceeds to look at me with pitiful, glazed-over eyes, nodding at me when I tell them I’m happy being on my own. Nothing makes me want to be around you less than when you tell me I’ll find someone soon; as if I won’t be whole until I do.
I don’t know how many more times I can suppress my urge to wince when someone asks if I think a person is attractive, as they scroll through weeks of this stranger’s life on Instagram. The thing that bothers me the most is that usually, the thought put into our compatibility boils down to:
I’ve even had people approach me, show me their friend’s social media profile, tell me how much they think we would be great together, and in their next breath tell me that this person isn’t even single, with full intent on me waiting out their relationship.
So before you reach for your phone and ask me “Do you know who you’d be perfect with?” Just shut the fuck up.
Unless they’re a masseuse or own a dog. Then, I’m in.
Sincerely,
Homo Alone
Zachary Ryan: In Progress 